Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Randomize
