based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize