i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
