He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
