I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
