i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
