you have to choose: penises or morals?
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
