i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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