Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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