The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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