I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
