Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
