I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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