I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize