well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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