remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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