I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
