I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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