so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Randomize
