Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Randomize
