The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
In other news, I just burned my penis
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
