I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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