If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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