I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
