so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
