I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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