??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
COCAINE IS GR8
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