I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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