So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize