you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
