If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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