i just sent this text using only my big toe
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
