so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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