dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Randomize