just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
