if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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