I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
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