how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
So here I am, sexting at work.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
