Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
