Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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