I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize