I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
