some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize