You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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