Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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