Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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