Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
