Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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