I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
The uberlube is also flammable
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
