The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
