i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Randomize
