I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
