ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Can you bring me the toilet please
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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