I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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