I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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