I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
