And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
