i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
