i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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