my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
