i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
